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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825226">i can't lose you too</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pengwyns/pseuds/Pengwyns'>Pengwyns</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Aobajousai, Bus Crash, Character Death, Crying, Dissociation, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Major Character Injury, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, crash, iwaizumi cries a lot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 18:54:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,655</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27825226</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pengwyns/pseuds/Pengwyns</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>on they way back from a  match against Karasuno seijoh's bus crashes</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW vomiting, bus crash,  slightly graphic injuries, blood</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The practice match finally ended as Aoba Johsai were declared the winners. The team slowly made their way to the bus. It was a wet afternoon, the large raindrops slided down the windows of Seijoh’s bus as they made their way back from Tokyo.  In the driver’s seat sat coach Irhata. In the front of the bus sat Kindaichi and Kunimi as kindaichi was prone to car sickness. Next to them sat coach Mizoguchi equipped with a sick bag ac paper towels in case Kindaichi threw up. Behind them sat Watari who was sitting next Yahaba. Opposite them sat Kyotani who was staring at his phone intensely. Behind them was Hanamaki and Matsukawa and opposite them sat Iwaizumi. Oikawa unfortunately couldn’t come because he was sick. The match was tiring and most of the team members were either already asleep or falling asleep. Iwaizumi stared out the window.  Even though they had won Iwaizumi was still thinking about all the mistakes he had made which had caused the team to lose points. He wished Oikawa were there to distract him. He was always good at cheering Iwaizumi up when he felt down, most of the time without even knowing it. Iwaizumi always enjoyed Oikawa’s coming even though it didn’t seem like it most of the time.</p><p>Suddenly smash the bus collided with a car, and the bus was sent flying through the air and landed in the trees. branches climbed through the smashed windows and glass carpeted the floor.</p><p>When Iwaizumi woke up, he felt sick, he felt like he was going to throw up any second. Iwaizumi slowly got up, as he did, he felt a sudden wave of dizziness, causing him to fall back down into his seat. Iwaizumi needed to check if everyone was okay, so he ignored the growing pain in his abdomen and got up despite the dizziness, taking a few minutes to collect himself.</p><p> Iwaizumi went around as carefully as possible making a list who needed the most urgent treatment in his head. Kindaichi had a large cut on his forehead and he was unconscious, kunimi had shard of glass in his arm which looked infected. On the seat opposite lay coach Mizoguchi who had a shard of glass in his stomach and he wasn’t breathing, fuck Iwaizumi thought, he’s not fucking breathing what am I supposed to do. It’s too late to help him, he’s fucking dead, he’s dead, it was only just sinking in, his coach was dead. Behind them sat Watari who’s wrist was limp and had cuts all down his right side and Yahaba had a gash from his elbow to shoulder but apart from that they looked fine, and kyotani was unconscious, but thankfully still breathing, his foot was at an awkward angle which didn’t look natural. Behind them lay Matsukawa, who had a tree branch impaling his neck, his eyes were open and glossy. This can’t be happening, not again thought Iwaizumi. This can’t be fucking real, it’s just a dream. Just fucking wake up already. Iwaizumi felt like he was going to throw up his friend and teammate was dead, he would never hear a sarcastic comment from him or see his lazy smirk ever again, Matsukawa was dead. Tears flowed down Iwaizumi’s face he tried to scream, but no sound came out. Next to him sat Hanamaki, who looked petrified and was frozen in fear, his looked broken, He was pale and shaking and hardly breathing. It terrified Iwaizumi, he couldn’t bear to see his friend like this.</p><p>Iwaizumi had to move him away from Matsukawa but Makki was frozen. Iwaizumi went to pick Hanamaki up when, Makki collapsed on the bus floor into the glass and began to have a seizure. Iwaizumi turned him onto his side, to try and stop him from chocking, when Hanamaki finally stopped having a seizure, he stopped breathing.  “Makki, stay with me please, I can’t lose you too.” But it was too late Hanamaki was gone.  Iwaizumi hung onto his friend’s dead body refusing to let go because if he did, it would be real it would all be real and coach Mizoguchi , Hanamaki and Matsukawa were all dead probably coach Irihata were all dead. Iwaizumi had to get off the bus, it felt like the wall’s, were collapsing in on him. His chest felt constricted and his breathing was shallow. Iwaizumi threw up before he could get out of the emergency exit, when he finally manged to slightly regain his breath, he managed to break open the emergency exit and he climbed out into the fresh air. And continued throwing up until his throat was raw and only bile was coming up. By now the pain in his abdomen was unbearable, he doubled over in pain almost collapsing to the ground. Then he started throwing up again though only bile was coming up. When he was finally finished gagging, the coughing began, suddenly Iwaizumi felt something wet on his hand and looked down to see was a red blur, this can’t be good thought Iwaizumi. his vision was blurred from both the tears and the pain he wanted to give in, he wanted to die. He heard someone coming towards him be he couldn’t see who it was. “Iwaizumi, Iwaizumi, oh shit.” Yahaba said as he saw the blood on Iwaizumi’s palm “why didn’t you tell anyone.” “watari’s calling an ambulance, it will be hear soo...” Yahaba was interrupted by harsh coughs and splashes of blood coming from Iwaizumi. “Fuck, why didn’t you tell anyone.” asked Yahaba “I-i-im s-so-sorry” replied Iwaizumi, his voice broken and weak. Yahaba looked at him with worry in his eyes. “This is serious Iwaizumi, you could die, I can’t lose you too.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i don't  know how to summarise?????????????</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is really bad  i'm really bad at writing and  capturing character personalities. also sorry the chapters are really short.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yahaba held Iwaizumi as he collapsed, blood and bile dripped from his mouth.<br/>
Sirens echoed through the darkness. Iwaizumi felt his body being lifted, but all he could see was black. He could hear Yahaba’s faint crying. Iwaizumi wanted to help him, but he couldn’t his body refused to move. Gradually Iwaizumi began to regain consciousness. When he eventually woke up, Iwaizumi saw that he was in an ambulance, the last time he was in an ambulance was when Oikawa injured his knee. “Oikawa, where’s Oikawa?” mumbled Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi could feel his heart rate picking up, as his breathing became shallower, suddenly Iwaizumi flinched as Yahaba grabbed his hand. Iwaizumi’s hands were shaking, and his thoughts raced. “Where is everyone.” Iwaizumi asked and immediately regretted it as he Yahaba began fidgeting. Suddenly Iwaizumi remembered watching his friends die. Tears flowed down Iwaizumi’s clammy skin. His friend’s and coaches were dead. Half of Aoba Johsai’s team were dead and so were both their coaches.<br/>
Yahaba couldn’t bear to tell Iwaizumi, Kyotani was also dead and that Kindaichi was in a coma. Iwaizumi had already watched two of his best friends die. Yahaba couldn’t cry, not in front of Iwaizumi. So, he held in the tears and held Iwaizumi’s hand.<br/>
When they finally arrived at the hospital, Iwaizumi was taken straight to surgery, he had severe internal bleeding. Kunimi was taken to intensive care, his cuts were severely infected, and he had lost a lot of blood. Kindaichi was sent to surgery however he was in a coma, with severe bleeding in the brain which needed treatment as soon as possible. Watari was sent to the cubicle, thankfully he didn’t need surgery for his wrist, he only needed a plaster cast. Yahaba was also sent to the cubicles his arm needed stitches but apart from that he was fine apart from the shock.</p><p>Oikawa sat in bed the same place he had been for the last three days, he had a bad cold. He had spent the last few days watching alien movies in his room. He was in the middle of his 5th when Oikawa’s phone pinged, it must be Iwa-chan, telling him how the practice match went. He checked his phone ‘Deadly bus crash kills 5 and leaves three fighting for their lives’ Oikawa’s heart begins to race, Iwaizumi hasn’t texted him since he left the training camp. Oikawa clicked on the article, where he saw a picture of the bus it said Aoba Johsai volleyball club on the side.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. finding out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>oikawa finds out about the accident.....</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oikawa quickly scribbled a note to his mum saying where he was, and then caught the nearest bus to the hospital. He waited at the bus stop for about 5 minutes before the bus came, nervously taping his fingers against his thigh. He needed to know if Iwaizumi was okay. When he eventually got on the bus he stared out the window, his thoughts racing to all the different possibilities. Oikawa’s phone echoed through the bus. Who could be calling, maybe it was his mum telling him that what he was doing was a stupid idea or maybe it was Iwaizumi calling him to tell him he was okay?</p><p>In the hospital Iwaizumi lay unconscious in recovery room after a long surgery and all the strain of the accident. Occasionally Iwaizumi would drift back into consciousness and mumble something about Oikawa.</p><p>Kunimi was now out of intensive care and Kindaichi was still in a coma. Meanwhile Yahaba and Watari were discharged. However, Yahaba waited in the waiting room he was concerned for all his teammates, especially Iwaizumi. Watari waited with him until his parents came and too him straight home. Kindaichi and Kunimi’s parents waited with them while Matsukawa’s were taken out of the room crying and Hanamaki’s parents hadn’t arrived. They were currently on a business trip in China and didn’t know about the accident.</p><p>Oikawa burst through the doors, panting, he’d ran all the way from the bus. He marched up to the from desk and asked where the Aoba Johsai team were, what came next was far from what he had expected, Oikawa knew that it was a serious accident but he hadn’t expected for anyone on his team to actually have died. Oikawa asked about Iwaizumi, the receptionist told him Iwaizumi was in, he followed the hospital signs to Iwaizumi’s room.</p><p>Iwaizumi thrashed around in his bed tears running down his face. He was currently having a nightmare.  When Oikawa walked into the room he immediately saw Iwaizumi was having a nightmare so he tried to wake him by calling his name, when that didn’t work Oikawa leant over to shake him, when Iwaizumi finally woke up he saw Oikawa, his hands shook and tears poured out of his eyes. He didn’t want to tell him.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i really like leaving cliff hangers so sorry about that. if anything triggers you please tell me in the comments so i can add trigger warnings also sorry a lot of the chapters are really short</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Panic</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Iwaizumi is suffering from the after shock and trauma of the accident, and Oikawa wants to help, but can he?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW nightmares and panic attacks, please read the tags</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi could feel his heart pounding in his chest, it felt like it was going to pop out of his chest. His mind was racing, and his vision clouded. He could feel the sweat soaking his hospital gown. He couldn’t breathe. He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down, but his breaths were sharp and shallow. “your dying” said the voice in his head. Oikawa called for help and the nurse came quickly and tried to calm him down. But all Iwaizumi could do was mumble “Oikawa”, and “I’m sorry” over, and over again.</p>
<p> When Oikawa heard his name being mumbled he was immediately by Iwaizumi’s side. Oikawa tried to calm him down and 15 minutes later Iwaizumi was calm and breathing normally. Oikawa wanted to know what had triggered the panic attack, but he didn’t want to start another one, so he stayed silent. When Oikawa turned back to Iwaizumi the latter’s eyes were closed and he was snoring lightly. It had been an extremely stressful day. He must have been exhausted. Oikawa made his way home. He too was exhausted from being sick still, though the sickness was mostly gone now. Suddenly Oikawa realized he had spent all his money on the bus ride there and in the panic had forgotten money for the way back. He checked his pocket thankfully he had his phone. He phoned his Mum and asked her to pick him up from the hospital. She came 5 minutes later, her face blanketed with confusion and worry.</p>
<p>“Why did you go to the hospital Toru?” she asked completely clueless.</p>
<p>“the team got into a crash and Iwaizumi, he’s r-really hurt, he looked s-so small, and I want to help h-him but” tears flowed down Oikawa’s cheeks as he spoke. Suddenly he was enveloped in a large hug.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, I could have given you a lift?” questioned Oikawa’s mum</p>
<p>“well, you w-were working, I didn’t want to disturb you, and I needed to get to the hospital quickly and I wasn’t really thinking straight.” Oikawa replied quickly he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner.” He said avoiding eye contact.</p>
<p>“you don’t have to apologise sweetie, I was just worried, that’s all”</p>
<p>Back in the hospital, Iwaizumi’s sleep was interrupted by an intense nightmare of the accident. In the nightmare Iwaizumi was on the bus sitting opposite Makki and Mattsun when the bus crashes and flips into the trees, he’s covered in blood and all he can see in the darkness are Matsukawa’s dead eyes, he sees Hanamaki screaming at him but Iwaizumi is frozen, he can see Hanamaki seizing but he’s frozen, he can’t help him, he’s just frozen. That’s when Iwaizumi wakes up screaming, and dripping in sweat.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. visiting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>yahaba visits iwaizumi.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>also it's all in Iwaizumi's POV unless it says otherwise<br/>TW: flashback, PTSD symptoms<br/>also if i need to add anymore TW's please tell me.<br/>sorry if this is really inaccurate i've never experienced PTSD but i have tried to do as much research as possible<br/>please tell me if there's something i need to change<br/>kudos and comments are also appreciated :)<br/>ive been really unmotivated for a while so that's why it took me so long to write and post this</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi looked around only to discover he was in a hospital room he didn’t remember much, just waking up before going into surgery.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Yahaba's POV</strong>
</p><p>The nurse told him that Iwaizumi was awake and stable and therefore could have visitors that was about five minutes ago, he waited a few seconds before sighing in relief. Yahaba was now pacing outside Iwaizumi’s room, debating whether or not he should go in. after another 5 minutes of overthinking he finally decide to go in. it will be fine, right?</p><p>He slowly approached the door, pausing to take a breath before knocking.</p><p>Yahaba heard a mumble from inside the room and assumed that it was Iwaizumi telling him to come in. he took a step inside the room to make sure Iwaizumi knew it was him.</p><p>Yahaba? Questioned Iwaizumi his voice was horse and his usually tanned skin, pale almost camouflaged against the stark white hospital sheet.</p>
<hr/><p>“Why didn’t you tell anyone?” the words echoed in Iwaizumi’s head the rest of the noise in the room became muffled, Iwaizumi could feel his chest caving in his hands shook uncontrollably, Iwaizumi could hear his heart trying to escape his chest, Iwaizumi could hear his breathing it was loud, too loud. It felt like he walls were closing in, the room was spinning all he could hear were those words.</p><p>“-waizumi Iwaizumi, are you ok?” Yahaba asked anxiously.</p><p>“w-what?” Iwaizumi questioned returning to reality.</p><p>“I asked if you’re okay.” Yahaba replied.</p><p>“why would you care.” Iwaizumi spat.</p><p>“because I care about you.” Responded Yahaba.</p><p>“Get out!” Iwaizumi screamed.</p><p>“I-im sorry.” Stuttered Yahaba confused by Iwaizumi’s sudden outburst.</p><p>Little did he know Iwaizumi’s head was buzzing like it was filled with thousands of flies.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. back to normal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>iwaizumi returns to school</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: ptsd flashbacks, panic attacks if any of that makes you uncomfortable or triggered please do not read your mental health is important!<br/>as always comments and Kudos are appreciated.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a week since Iwaizumi was discharged, he was finally ready to go back to school or so he thought.<br/>Iwaizumi had already missed so much school he couldn't afford to miss anymore he needed to get into college next year. Oikawa sent him the work which Iwaizumi had copied up, he was ready.<br/>Iwaizumi walked to school by himself Oikawa was at the gym. When Iwaizumi finally approached the school gate he took a deep breath to prepare himself.<br/>When the lunch bell finally rang Iwaizumi walked towards the cafeteria. The morning had gone surprisingly well, he had pretty easy lessons, and it was nice for him to get back into a routine after the last few hectic months. <br/>When Iwaizumi went to sit down he was approached by a girl slightly shorter than him<br/>“hey Iwaizumi, right? Are you okay we heard about the crash. I’m sorry about Matsukawa and Hanamaki.”<br/>Iwaizumi could feel a lump forming in his throat, he could hear the cutlery scraping against the plates, people breathing, it was all too loud. Crash! a plate crashed against the ground. Iwaizumi’s heart thudded in his chest, he couldn’t breath all he could see were Matsukawa’s dead eyes he could feel the blood dripping from his mouth it all felt too real, his chest was closing in breathing became impossible.<br/>“-waiz- a-ou- kay” she asked<br/>Iwaizumi couldn’t understand her all he could hear was his breathing, his chest hurt and the room was spinning he felt like he was dying.  He didn't know what to say so he just mumbled<br/>“mhm” quietly but load enough to hear.<br/>She walked away as soon as she was gone he ran to the bathroom, tears spilling from his eyes.<br/>“hello, Iwaizumi are you in there?”  asked Oikawa<br/>Iwaizumi coughed and gagged into the toilet.<br/>“Iwaizumi, please just let me in.” Pleaded Oikawa.<br/>Iwaizumi slowly unlocked the door, Oikawa flinched at the sight of his best friend, Iwaizumi was hunched over the toilet seat knuckles white and drenched in sweat. Oikawa noticed Iwaizumi’s ragged breathing.<br/>“hey, iwa look at me, just breath okay.”<br/>Iwaizumi avoided Oikawa’s eyes. He was meant to be the one supporting Oikawa not the other way round. <br/>“come on Iwa after me okay,” he paused looking at Iwaizumi “in 1. 2. 3. 4 out 2. 3.4”<br/>He looked over to Iwaizumi who was shaking and still not breathing normally.<br/>“close your eyes, your having a panic attack Iwa-chan, it’s ok remember when i used to get them you helped me a lot, i know it’s really scary right now but it will be over soon.”<br/>After a few minutes Iwaizumi’s breathing had returned to normal.<br/>“you should go home Iwa.”Oikawa suggested<br/>“m fine I have a test I can’t go home.” Mumbled Iwaizumi lethargically.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. school</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>iwaizumi in school, I'm really bad at summaries.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW panic attack, flashback, hyperventilating, PTSD</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Oikawa finally left Iwaizumi to go to his class, Iwaizumi went to his class to take his test.</p>
<p>When Iwaizumi finally arrived at his class he could feel the stares of his classmates, he could hear the whispers, his hands began to shake and then crash! his books collided with the floor. The eyes. Blood. The pain. He couldn’t breath, he began hyperventilating as he walked to his seat. He couldn’t leave, the test was important, but he couldn’t stay, no one even noticed he was having a panic attack until he ran out of the class his whole body trembling.</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Breathe in 1 2 3 4 breathe out 2 3 4, it’s just a panic attack, you can breathe.</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Iwaizumi tried to run but his legs froze, he couldn’t move. His legs collapsed. He was in the hallway hyperventilating and trying not to cry. </p>
<p>Oikawa was on his way to the bathroom when he saw him, eyes closed hyperventilating his whole body shaking like a leaf. </p>
<p>“I-Iwa- chan? what are you doing here?” asked Oikawa</p>
<p>“I-I-I can’t do this.” replied Iwaizumi weakly. His face facing the ground.</p>
<p>Oikawa bent down to sit next to him.</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s ok Iwa, talk to me.”</p>
<p>“I-I can’t, y-you won’t understand” replied Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>“please, just talk to me, let me help you.”</p>
<p>“It won’t stop, it won’t fucking stop, I just want it to stop.”</p>
<p>“what won’t stop Iwa?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to see it anymore, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even stay in a class for five fucking minutes, I fucking hate it.” Iwaizumi said, his voice shaking and tears slipping down his cheeks.</p>
<p>Oikawa leant into Iwaizumi and hugged him tightly, Iwaizumi cried he couldn’t hold it in anymore.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry I can’t make it right.” Said Oikawa after a few minutes of silence.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi stayed silent tears overflowing from his eyes.</p>
<p>“you should tell your parents, they might help.” continued Oikawa.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi sniffled.</p>
<p>“I-I can’t, I’m s-sorry.” replied Iwaizumi.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for any mistakes, if I need to change anything please tell me in the comments.<br/>comments and kudos are appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. what's wrong,  sweetie?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>iwaizumi returns to the gym for the first time since the accident.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW; flashbacks, PTSD, panic attack?<br/>sorry for any mistakes, if i need to change anything please tell me in the comments. i do not have PTSD but i've tried to do as much research as i could but everyone's experience is different.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the bell rang Oikawa went to the gym to practice his serves.</p>
<p>“Iwa-chan, come to practice with me you don’t have to play, I just don’t want you to go home alone, please.”</p>
<p>“okay, I’ll come, I don’t think I can practice though.” replied Iwaizumi weakly.</p>
<p>“that’s okay, you can just sit on the bench.” Oikawa paused. “Oh, and Yahaba, Watari will be there.” Kunimi had only just recovered and was visiting Kindaichi in the hospital, he had woken up from his coma and was recovering.</p>
<p>They slowly walked over to the gym. When they finally arrived at the gym Iwaizumi noticed the new coach, one of the teachers had taken over coaching.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi slowly walked in. He hadn’t been to the gym since the accident.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi walked over to the bench. Crash, a volleyball hit the ground.</p>
<p>Crash.Blood.eyes.blood.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi was suffocating, his breath was stuck in his throat, tears burst from his eyes.</p>
<p>“-aizumi?” asked Oikawa.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi couldn’t speak. He just ran, he ran as far as he could.</p>
<p>“Iwa-chan wait.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi just ran, he couldn’t stop running he wanted to, but he couldn’t.</p>
<p>Within around ten minutes Iwaizumi was at his house, he sprinted up the stairs and locked himself in his room.</p>
<p>His felt empty, he wanted to feel pain or sadness but instead he felt nothing, he hated it. He cried and cried, he wanted everything to go back to normal.</p>
<p>After an hour or so his mum came home, she heard her son crying from his room so decided to go up and check on him.</p>
<p>She knocked on his door and tried to open it, but it was locked.</p>
<p>“Hajime, sweetie let me in please.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi unlocked the door and opened it, he hugged his mum and she hugged back.</p>
<p>“sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked concernedly, noticing Iwaizumi’s tearstained face.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading.<br/>comment's and kudos are appreciated:)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>basically just Iwaizumi's day</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Oikawa is kind of mean in this chapter and Iwaizumi is spiralling<br/>TW dissociation<br/>um sorry if this isn't accurate I have never experienced it but I did a lot of research but everyone's experience is different.<br/>um the brackets in bold is texting.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“nothing, just a test.” replied Iwaizumi.</p><p>“you sure?” she questioned.</p><p>“Yes mum, I’m fine.”</p><p>“do you want some dinner?” she asked at the door.</p><p>“no thanks I had something when I came in.”</p><p>“Okay, you can tell me if there is anything wrong though, you know that, right?”</p><p>“yeah, love you.”</p><p>“love you too.” she replied before leaving.</p><p>When she left Iwaizumi changed into his Godzilla pyjamas before brushing his teeth and going to bed.</p><p>He tried for about an hour to get to sleep but eventually gave up and got his phone out, he’d been having trouble sleeping since the accident, when he did sleep h would have very vivid nightmares. Iwaizumi searched for Oikawa’s contact on his phone,</p><p><strong>[Hey, I’m sorry I ran off earlier it was all just a bit overwhelmed</strong>.] Typed Iwaizumi.</p><p><strong>[It’s ok, it was my fault I shouldn’t have rushed you into it</strong>.] Replied Oikawa.</p><p><strong>[No, it wasn’t your fault I was just having a bad day.] </strong>Texted Iwaizumi</p><p><strong>[ I have to go now, talk tomorrow?] </strong>Typed Iwaizumi.</p><p><strong>[Ok, goodnight Iwa-chan.] </strong>Texted Oikawa.</p><p><strong>[Goodnight.]</strong> Replied Iwaizumi.</p><p>Iwaizumi tried again to get some sleep and at about 4am he finally went to sleep however his sleep was disrupted by a nightmare.</p><p>Iwaizumi awoke suddenly he couldn’t see he couldn’t breathe he was falling. He could smell the fresh blood he could hear the crash, but the sound was just flouting in the darkness. His breathing was shallow and quick to quick his heart was trying to break out of his chest nausea filled his body. After about 15 minutes he could see again but he could feel warm liquid flowing up his throat, he could taste the vomit, he quickly ran to the bathroom and emptied the content of his stomach the acid burned his throat. Iwaizumi got up from the floor and walked over to the sink to wash his face. Who was the figure looking at him, why was he crying? His face was pale and his skin sweaty.</p><p>Iwaizumi felt like he was watching himself, he felt like he was an outsider watching his own story unfold.</p><p>What was the figure doing? He looked tired, had he slept? he had dark circles under his eyes.</p><p>Iwaizumi tried to move but he was trapped in suffocating darkness.</p><p>The figure’s arm lifted to touch his face.</p><p>Was he real?</p><p>Was anything real?</p><p>The figure grabbed onto the sink, his knuckles turning white,</p><p>Was he in pain?</p><p>Slowly Iwaizumi returned to reality, listening to the sound of the water dripping from the tap and his own breathing.</p><p>What happened?</p><p>Why was he in the bathroom?</p><p>Iwaizumi slowly walked back to bed the fatigue weighing him down he couldn’t sleep he just lay awake staring at the ceiling.</p><p>The early morning passed slowly and after a few hours Iwaizumi had to get ready for school.</p><p>Iwaizumi walked to school with Oikawa in silence, Oikawa tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t focus. Iwaizumi didn’t have any classes with Oikawa all day, so he didn’t have to socialize most of the day, he didn’t want to talk to Oikawa, he didn’t want to talk to anyone from the team, he didn’t want to be around, he didn’t want everyone treating him like he was going to break, he was fed up with everyone tiptoeing around him. Iwaizumi managed to get through the morning fairly easily despite falling asleep on his desk a couple of times. However, when lunch came Iwaizumi decided to sit alone, he didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone. He was fine sitting alone until Oikawa came over.</p><p>“what’s wrong with you today, you haven’t talked to me all day, have I done something.” Asked Oikawa.</p><p>Iwaizumi didn’t reply his brain was too tired to form words.</p><p>“why have you been avoiding me.”</p><p>Iwaizumi stayed silent.</p><p>“fucking fine, just ignore me, why are you being like this? Why are you so fucking rude!” replied Oikawa before storming off. “I fucking hate you!”</p><p>Iwaizumi just sat there and cried, he didn’t care if people stared he didn’t care if people laughed, which they did, he just didn’t care anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry for any grammar mistakes<br/>kudos and comments are appreciated if I need to change anything please tell me in the comments. thanks for reading :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. i'm not fucking broken</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>iwaizumi has a fight with yahaba.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW panic attacks, mentions of death, blood, flashback, PTSD.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>Iwaizumi’s chest closed in his lungs desperately gasping for air. He began hyperventilating, black spots obstructed his vision, his whole body shook, he could see a blurry figure approaching before everything went black.</p>
<p>When Iwaizumi woke up he was in the nurses office.</p>
<p>“What happened?” he asked his voice hoarse from crying.</p>
<p>“you had a panic attack and fainted from the lack of oxygen.” Someone replied.</p>
<p>When Iwaizumi looked up, he saw Matsukawa standing there talking to him.</p>
<p> A series of images flashed before Iwaizumi’s eyes.</p>
<p>The blood. The crash. Bleeding. He was bleeding.</p>
<p>“M. M. Matsu...” Mumbled Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>When he looked up, he saw Yahaba.</p>
<p>Concern cloaked Yahaba’s face.</p>
<p>“Matsukawa’s dead.” Said Yahaba softly.</p>
<p>Sadness concealed Iwaizumi face.</p>
<p>“Iwaizumi, what’s wrong.” Asked Yahaba.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi said nothing but tears flowed down his face Matsukawa was <span class="u">dead.</span></p>
<p>Sadness and grief suffocated Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>Oikawa hated him and Matsukawa and Hanamaki were <span class="u">dead.</span></p>
<p>They were <span class="u">dead</span>. They would never comeback they didn’t even get to finish high school.</p>
<p>Yahaba leant into hug Iwaizumi but Iwaizumi stopped him.</p>
<p>“stop, just fucking stop.” Screamed Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>Yahaba looked shocked.</p>
<p>“im not fragile, im not fucking broken, I’m supposed to be comforting you, I’m your, fucking senpai not the other way around. I know I’m fucking pathetic okay. I don’t need you treating me like I’m going to break, I just want everything to go back to normal, but it can’t, and I won’t, I’m never going to be the same I don’t think any of the team are. I hate it, I fucking hate it. I’m supposed to look after you.  I just want to stop seeing it. I’m so tired! I don’t fucking sleep anymore, I can’t eat, I can’t even get through a fucking day without having a panic attack. I’m so stupid, I’m so fucking stupid for thinking things would be at least a little bit more normal. Please just don’t talk to me you didn’t before so why are you now?”</p>
<p>“I. I just wanted t.to help.” replied Yahaba.</p>
<p>“Please just stop, please.” pleaded Iwaizumi.</p>
<p>“fine, push everyone away!” shouted Yahaba before leaving. Tears were bursting out of his eyes.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi wanted to help him but he couldn't, he'd fucked up and now he had no one.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading. <br/>comments and kudos are appreciated.<br/>should the next chapter be in Yahaba's POV or should it stay in Iwaizumi's?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. they don't  need me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>what happens about a week after iwaizumi's breakdown.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW panic attack, flashback, suicide attempt mention, character death, suicidal thoughts, isolation( Iwaizumi isolates himself from his friends), PTSD<br/>this chapter is very heavy so please do not read if it could trigger you or affect your mental health.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Iwaizumi didn’t come too school the next week or the weeks after. He locked himself in his room and didn’t come out, not even to eat. He didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, he cried every day, he didn’t have the energy to hold it in anymore. The had frequent flashbacks and nightmares whenever he tried to sleep. The smallest sounds would cause him to have panic attacks and flashbacks, whether it was a cup being dropped and broken or the dripping of the tap. Oikawa was still mad at him for avoiding him and Yahaba hated him. Kindaichi had passed away a few days ago, from a brain haemorrhage, Kunimi wasn’t doing well, he had been admitted to the hospital for attempting suicide, he was okay physically but not mentally. Iwaizumi wanted to visit him, but he didn’t have the energy to get out of bed let alone go out of his house.</p>
<p><strong>He was  supposed to be a good senpai, he was meant to look after his kouhai</strong>.</p>
<p>Yahaba had visited Kunimi but he wasn’t talking to Iwaizumi so Iwaizumi didn’t really know how Kunimi was. Oikawa went with Yahaba to the graveyard to pay their respect to their teammates and friends, Iwaizumi wasn’t invited. Watari had visited Iwaizumi a few times but it was mostly just Watari catching Iwaizumi up with what happened. Iwaizumi wanted to talk but every time he tried to speak anxiety clawed at his throat preventing him from talking. Watari eventually just stopped showing up. Iwaizumi was alone he missed his friends, but they either hated him or were dead. Iwaizumi just wished he could disappear,</p>
<p>
  <strong>no one would care anyway.</strong>
</p>
<p>Iwaizumi was alone he missed his friends, but they either hated him or were dead. Iwaizumi just wished he could disappear, no one would care anyway.</p>
<p>
  <strong>they hate me.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>they don't need me. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>they'd be better off without me.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>I'm just a waste of space.</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>i should have died not Mattsun and Makki.</strong>
</p>
<p>Iwaizumi went back to school a few weeks later, he didn’t want too but his parents wouldn’t let him stay home anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hey, Iwaizumi I’m glad your back” called Watari as Iwaizumi entered through the gate.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi just lifted his head for a minute and smiled at Watari, little did Iwaizumi see the pain behind it and the tears forming in his eyes. Oikawa hadn’t talked to him in months, Oikawa had replaced him with Yahaba and Watari, leaving Iwaizumi too himself.</p>
<p>Crash! a metal water bottle hit the ground triggering a flashback.</p>
<p>Crash! . blood . Vomit . the eyes.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi felt his chest closing in and his breaths growing short and ragged.</p>
<p>Next thing he knew Iwaizumi was in the bathroom trying to stop his panic attack without success.</p>
<p>“Shh, it’s okay Iwaizumi just copy my breaths okay.”</p>
<p>Iwaizumi recognised the voice and locked up from the ground to see Oikawa hugging him.</p>
<p>“I,I,I’m s,s,sor-ry…”whispered Iwaizumi, his voice uncharacteristically  weak and small.</p>
<p>“hey, shh, it’s okay Iwa-chan, I’m here now, I’m sorry I didn't support you, but I'm here now.” Said Oikawa in a soft calming voice with tears flowing down his cheeks.</p>
<p>Oikawa held Iwaizumi till the latter was breathing normally again. Oikawa wiped the tears off Iwaizumi's face and they went back to Oikawa's house they didn't have anything important lesson's so they would'nt really be missing anything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading. :)<br/>comments and kudos are appreciated. if i need to add anymore TW's please tell me so i can add them.<br/>also sorry for any grammatical errors.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. i'm a failure.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Oikawa stays the night at Iwaizumi's house.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW PTSD, flashback, death, self depreciating thoughts <br/>disclaimer i do not have PTSD therefore i'm not sure if this is realistic sorry  also everyone's experience with mental illness is different so it's hard to be accurate but i have done as much research as i can.<br/>sorry this is so bad.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Iwa-chan.” Oikawa’s sing-song voice echoed through Iwaizumi’s house.</p><p>
  <strong>He just pities you. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>He doesn’t want to be here. </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>He’s pretending.</strong>
</p><p>“I’m tired shittykawa, let’s just go to bed.” replied Iwaizumi.</p><p>“oh, okay, goodnight Iwa-chan.”</p><p>Iwaizumi closed his eyes pretending to sleep and waited until he knew Oikawa was asleep to get out of bed and do some homework. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept. He eventually gave up on his homework. He couldn’t concentrate his was buzzing and his hands shaking.</p><p>
  <strong>Fuck, why can’t I concentrate.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>This sucks.</strong>
</p><p>Iwaizumi looked over to Oikawa who was sleeping peacefully.</p><p>
  <strong>He hates you.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>You’re a burden.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>He’d be better off without you.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I have so much work.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I’m a failure.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Hanamaki was always good at helping me with work.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>But he’s gone.</strong>
</p><p>Iwaizumi could see him sitting there on the bus frozen. He could see him dying, but Iwaizumi was frozen he couldn’t move he couldn’t breathe his heart was beating to quickly, jumping out of his chest, he couldn’t feel the tears flowing down his cheeks, but he knew he was crying. He was helpless, trapped. His breath growing shallower as he fought to stay conscious. He couldn’t give up, he wanted to reach out and help Hanamaki but his feet were glued to the ground and his body was numb, he needed to help him he couldn’t watch him die over and over. He just wanted it to stop. He eventually gave in his body too weak to fight, he collapsed onto the ground with a loud thump.</p><p>Oikawa unsurprising stayed asleep, he was a very heavy sleeper.</p><p>After a few minutes Iwaizumi woke up, only to find himself on the bathroom floor, he had no idea how he got there, he also had a bruises all down his left side and on his forehead. He looked up at the clock, it was 6am.</p><p>
  <strong>Oh shit I’m going to be late for school.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I guess Oikawa has to skip practice today.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>I have to go wake Oikawa up.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Fuck I can’t be late I have a test today.</strong>
</p><p>Iwaizumi sprinted to the bedroom, took about five minutes to wake Oikawa up then haphazardly put his uniform on and then dragged Oikawa too the bus stop since they didn’t have enough time to walk.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you for reading even though it sucks, sorry for any mistakes.<br/>comments and kudos are appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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